


ASS Recognition

by kelex



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 19:06:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/903792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelex/pseuds/kelex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What the SGC wants is the ASR (Archaeological Specimen & Relic)  Recognition Guide.  What they get, thanks to a typo, is something totally different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ASS Recognition

Daniel looked down at the memo in his hands with amusement. He'd been expecting an order any day now for the ASR (Archaeological Specimen and Relic) Recognition Guide; the Pentagon had been making noises about having a hard copy list of the most significant finds he'd come across in the Gate worlds and he'd had a rough copy of it ready for weeks. 

This? This was a polite request for the ASS Recognition Guide, and he shrugged. _Oh, why the hell not? I've never followed orders before; this is a grand time to start!_

\- = - = - 

Daniel was good at putting words to pictures; it's what he'd been doing all of his life, with primitive pictograms and paintings on pitchers, bowls, jars, and pottery shards. This was a piece of _cake_.

"Okay, Sam. This is what we've got so far." He cleared his throat and started to read to the other two occupants of the table. "The ass, or the gluteus maximus, is located on the rear side--"

"Dorsal side," Sam corrected. "Like on a shark, the dorsal fin--"

"Is on the back side, got it." Daniel scratched out rear and changed it to dorsal. "… is located on the dorsal side of the body, starting below the small of the back and reaching down to the top of the thighs. It is comprised of two muscular, fleshy globes with the musculature built around the coccyx, or tailbone, where the evolutionary remnant of a tail remains. The globes--"

"Globes makes it sound like a trashy romance novel," Sam interrupted again. "But everything else sounds good." She looked over to the third person. "Teal'c, what do you think?" 

The massive man just raised an eyebrow. "I try not to."

That won a chuckle from his other teammates. "Okay, okay," Daniel said, nudging Sam's elbow. "C'mon. Let's figure out something other than globes. Cheeks?"

"That sounds like your old aunt pinching your cheeks."

"That's disgusting, Sam." Daniel tapped his pen on the notebook in front of him. "Not globes, and not cheeks. Okay. I'm going to leave it globes, and go on to the next part."

"Which is?" Sam's eyes were dancing with mischief. 

"Logically, after we define what we're looking for, we need sketches of the object in question from all angles, and written physical descriptions." Daniel's eye had the same twinkle. "Just to be thorough, you understand."

"Oh, of course." Sam winked up at Teal'c. "Teal'c, want to model for us?"

"No," was the succinct reply. 

"I think I can draw an ass without a guide; we all have one, I've had mine all my life, I've grown up with it, and I've seen… well, some in my life," Daniel pointed out. "I know what an ass looks like."

"But you yourself told Jack that when you draw something from memory, you get the details wrong, because you're not looking at it," Sam reminded him. "You need a model."

"Okay, fine. Let me see _your_ ass," Daniel said.

"Hell no," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "You wish."

"There, you see? My problem. Nobody wants to show their ass."

"Perhaps one of the nice people from your… Pentagon," Teal'c suggested. "This was their idea, and all of you have always said they do not know their asses from their elbows. This could be of service to them in many respects."

Daniel and Samantha were both laughing when Jack came into the briefing room. Teal'c slipped out quietly, eyebrow elevated at Jack as he left, and Jack came to a halt in front of the table, hands on his hips. "What's the joke, Carter?"

"Um… nothing, sir." She was smirking at Daniel. "I… think I hear Teal'c calling. Those star maps await, you know." She gave a slanted grin at Jack as she slid out of the room, leaving Daniel alone to face Jack's wrath.

"I'm innocent, I swear," Daniel said in protest, before Jack even opened his mouth again.

"That right there tells me you're _not,_ " Jack said with a sigh. "What are you doing?" He hitched a hip up onto the table, so that he was half-sitting as he stared down at Daniel.

Daniel didn't answer at first, as he had his head craned. "Jack… don't move."

"What?" He looked over at the archaeologist, who had pen in hand and was scratching furiously in his little notebook. 

One hand kept scratching in the notebook, drawing sweeping lines and little shading lines as the other reached out to hold Jack in place. "Don't move. I'm drawing your ass."

"You're… okay. I know I'm going to regret this, but I'm going to skip the obvious question of why me? and move straight to, for what reason are you doing this?"

Daniel didn't move his eyes from the ass he knew so well. "We got a memo today from the Pentagon. They asked for an ASS recognition manual."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Don't you mean an ASR?" 

Daniel thrust the memo in question towards Jack. "Keep it; I've got about ten copies in my bag. I'm being a good little soldier, and I'm going to give them exactly what they asked for."

Jack rattled the paper after scanning over it. "Nowhere in here did it say they wanted _my_ ass."

At that, Daniel gave a little wolfish grin. "No, that's just me."

\- = - = - 

"I can't believe you have me standing half-naked in front of the mirror so you can draw my ass." Jack sighed so loudly it caused his dog tags to rattle. "You've been staring for the last half hour."

"It's a great ass, Jack. I mean, really. Amazing for a guy your age, in fact. There's no sagging, there's no dimpling, and it's still nice and firm and tight." Daniel popped it lightly with the back of his fingers. "See? You could bounce quarters off it."

"Daniel?"

"Yeah?" Daniel's grin was inescapably cheeky.

Jack gritted his teeth a moment. "Shut up and draw."

"I love when you get authoritative." The grin turned to a naughty smirk.

"Now." Jack was trying to ignore it. Unsuccessfully.

"Yes, sir."

\- = - = - 

"You've gotten every view available," Jack said, making motions of pulling up his pants. 

Daniel stopped him with a hand around the wrist. "That's just the visual part, Jack. There's also tactile and gustatory."

"What the hell is gustatory?" Jack shot a withering glare at the hand on his wrist.

"Taste," Daniel said with a broad grin.

"Taste?" Jack repeated, and it was about a second later when the implications hit him completely. "You are NOT going to write in your little notebook about the taste of my ass!"

Daniel gave Jack a bright, broad grin. "Not even for the Pentagon, Colonel?"

"The Pentagon and the ASS Recognition Guide can kiss my ass!" Jack growled.

Daniel leaned forward, and ran his tongue lightly along the inside split of Jack's cheeks. "What if I kiss yours instead?"

Jack let go of his belt, and gave a little sigh. "I think that could be an acceptable compromise."

\- = - = - 

Daniel looked very, very uncomfortable standing before the review committee. He had the ASR draft in the leather briefcase tossed over his shoulder, but in his hand? He held something that would probably get him reprimanded to hell and back. 

Jack was standing against the wall in dress blues, at ease but ready to come to Daniel's defense, because he knew that Daniel was going to need a _lot_ of defending.

"Mr. Jackson!" Brigadier General Thompson was seated behind the desk, on the center seat of the raised dais that dominated the room. "Do you have the manual ready?" 

Daniel cleared his throat. "Yes, sir, I do. As per your memo, I've prepared the first draft for your perusal." He placed the fifteen page thick notebook on the desk, and took a step back. 

General Thompson picked up the notebook, scowling at the thinness of it, and flipped through it. He barely got past the first three pages before bellowing. "What the hell is this?"

Daniel's eyes grew wide. "But sir, it's exactly what you asked for! As per the memo received two weeks ago today, CC'd to eight other departments including the SG-1 team, you requested the ASS recognition manual." He _barely_ kept a straight face.

"I most certainly did not!" Thompson's face was reddening as Daniel made his accusation.

"You did, sir. I have the memo right here, and it has your signature on it." Daniel stepped up again and handed the general one of the copies he'd made the week prior. "If you'll read it, you'll notice that you asked for the ASS."

Thompson slammed the memo down _hard_ on the desk. The red face had turned to purple, and Jack hurried in. "General, if you'll allow me, Dr. Jackson isn't regular AF personnel, and perhaps doesn't quite understand the seriousness of the issue?" Jack turned a glare over his shoulder.

Daniel read the glare fast. It said, _You better come up with the right manual, right now, or I will break your neck._ "If the General is interested--"

"I'm not!" he bellowed. "Get out!" He motioned to the MP's stationed around the room, and two of them grabbed Daniel by the arms. "Escort Dr. Jackson out of here, now!" Jack surged forward, ready to help Daniel break out of their grip if necessary.

It wasn't necessary. Daniel broke one arm free, and waved a fifty-eight page document at the General. "But I have the ASR right here!!" 

"Let him go!" Thompson snapped, and glared as Daniel stumbled. "Bring me that manual, Mr. Jackson, right now!" 

"Yes, sir!" Daniel carried the document up to the dais and laid it on the desk, casually retrieving the ASS manual and tossing it to Jack.

Jack caught it and hid it behind his back as he came to rigid attention. 

Thompson flipped through the manual, nodding. "You're just damned lucky you're useful, Jackson," he growled after he finished it. "Get out, and if I _ever_ hear of you doing something like this again, I will yank your butt off SG-1 faster than you can finish laughing, funny man. Do you understand me?"

Before Daniel could get himself in more hot water, Jack clamped a hand around Daniel's bicep. _Hard_. "He understands, sir."

Daniel barely fought down the squeak, but he nodded.

"Good. Get him out of here, Colonel."

Daniel wrenched his arm free of Jack's grasp even as Jack steered him to the door. "General, if I may? Next time, proofread your memos." 

The End


End file.
